Echoes

Objective Truth? Or just a ghost?

I’ve always thought that every nasty thought I’ve ever had about myself was the absolute objective Truth. That I was experiencing some kind of ‘pulled back curtain’ moment and having a genuine revelation that I had previously and embarrassingly been naive to.

And I don’t know if I’ll learn anything from this… I have a bizarrely strong attachment to negative self talk. But I think I’ve come to realise that what I thought were inescapable, horrible and painful truths about myself… are actually just echoes.

My mind is echoing the things I have heard said about me, and also the things I have heard said about others. Dysfunctional sentiments from a broken society, taking up foundational places in my belief system. Holding myself to standards that are not only unhelpful but are completely missing the point. Devoid of anything meaningful or beneficial. And most certainly without compassion and grace.

These aren’t Truth.
They’re just noise bouncing off walls.
Their substance - essentially empty air.
Ghosts of words once spoken.

What I’ve always thought of as character flaws - scary, humiliating and ostracising facets of my deep self…might in fact just be a reverberation.
A ripple created by a single moment in time.
A single person.
Sometimes a single look.

These phrases and words I think of as core attributes…all just echoes.
Not a reflection of my true self, but a distant noise.
Not even mine.
Not Truth.
Just a formless distraction on its way to the abyss.

I’m a verbal processor.
It would probably be prudent to ignore the first 55 minutes of any of my hour long monologues. (Jarrod - take note. Also, sorry this advice has come so late.)
I make a lot of missteps on the way to making sense of things. I imagine that’s true for many of us. We’re all out here trying to make sense of things. Of life. Of people. Of ourselves. Often we say something that completely misses the mark, as we stumble towards understanding. Trying our best to get a cognitive grasp on things. To form an accurate picture. For those of us that bend towards negative self image and negative self talk - these things take hold.

But they’re just echoes.
Just formless distractions.
Losing potency with every ricochet.

I’ve accidentally had these phrases and words that have guided me through the last few years of my life. They might even be mantras, in a sense. And what is a mantra but an intentional echo?

There’s so much more.

Hi friend.

Softly, softly, softly.

Grace in this space.

Sometimes I walk past the mirror and instead of moving straight to criticism and fixing…I’ve started casually saying ‘Hi darling.’ (My ancestors are looking down bewildered, I’m sure.) Just a tiny, incremental shift from a foundational habit of flaw finding and judgment, to a warm acknowledgment.

I guess I’m inadvertently replacing some subconscious echoes with intentional mantras. Meaningful and carefully chosen sounds that don’t lose their potency. Thoughtfully gaining momentum and strength. No longer mindlessly regurgitating past sentiments.

I had a couple of enormous awakenings in my life.
I come from a small town in rural Australia. As a child, I of course thought that how it was there was how it was everywhere. I thought the cultural differences between Ellinbank and France were just dietary, and maybe a little aesthetic. Essentially I thought people were the same the world over.

The culture I grew up in was pretty reactive.
Punitive and oriented to flaw finding. Old school and authoritarian.
There was an expectation of high standards of performing without any thought as to whether a child’s emotional or relational needs were being met (or so it seems to me in hindsight).
Both physical and emotional punishments were doled out for not measuring up.
Even seemingly positive attributes were regarded with suspicion and contempt, even amongst peers.
If you were funny - “Oh you’re a real comedian…”
If you were smart - you were a know-it-all.
If you were kind - you were a butt kisser… insults were clearly very eloquent and intellectual.

In my first year out of high school, I worked on a summer camp in Michigan. This was my first realisation that people could be different. The way they spoke, yes, but importantly - the way they spoke about others. The language they used to describe one another and to engage with each other was so different to the way I had experienced in the past. They thought the best of people. They celebrated and affirmed me?!? They were joyful and loved boldly.

However, the biggest shock came to me when I moved to the city for University (just 1.5 hours from my hometown). The people I met there were also conscious of and generous with their words. I couldn’t believe that this culture existed just an hour or so from where I grew up. It was a culture shock from ‘just up the road’. I had no idea there were pockets of society so close to home, that were oriented so differently to what I knew. Their words were kind and gracious. Even at my worst - they were compassionate and understanding of deeper and more nuanced realities lying beneath. I was met with unwavering grace, kindness, love and affection. I had to recalibrate everything I knew about people. I liked it here in this place. I suddenly didn’t feel like I was constantly under attack. That every mistake or choice I made was about to become fodder for a verbal tirade.
I felt safe.

I liked it so much, I quickly grabbed one of these people and married them so I could have this unconditional love FOREVER! Still the best choice I have ever made.

I’ve found myself amongst such peaceful warmth and generous regard, that it has become impossible not to be changed on a cellular level.
I’m slowly turning my swords into plowshares.
Offering compassion where once all I had to offer was judgment.
Finding grace where once there was only resentment.
Exploring softness where all I had known was fire and fury.
Trying out some of this unconditional positive regard on myself.
Laying down my weapons in order to get my hands dirty building something beautiful.

So if you need to hear it today… things can be different just over the fence. Things can be spectacularly warm and wonderful. There’s so much more. This is just a fishbowl and there is oceans beyond!

These judgy echoes will fade. They’re going on forever, I know. SO dramatic.
But they’re on the way out.
You could even start some new ones.
You could shout something wonderful into the cavern of your consciousness.

Fill your life with people who speak love into your soul.
Build a culture of abundant kindness.

All those nasty thoughts? Just echoes, darling.
You’re doing great. Keep going.

Relentless grace and unfathomable love to you,
Lysette
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