Finding True Love

I don’t think you’re ever going to find true love.
I don’t think you’re ever going to find true love, the way I don’t think you’re ever going to find your true home. Because you don’t find a home, you make a home.

This isn’t to say that you won’t find the most beautiful human being with whom you fall deeply in love. I sure did. It’s special. It happens, and you never stop thanking your lucky stars. But this thing between you is something you continue to make together. An unceasing refinement. A perpetual work of art.

I know nothing about dating. Truly nothing. But when I hear some people talk about it, it sounds to me like they’re waiting on a coin flip. Is this going to turn out positive or negative? Is this person a goodie or a baddie? Are the beneficial traits outweighing the questionable ones? True love is treated as one side of a duality. Something that either is or isn’t. But I think it’s more of a process. A becoming.

Whether or not you fall madly in love with a beautiful treasure of a person…you will always be falling in love with a human being. Unless AI gets gorgeous real quick…that’s probably a possibility…

You hear things about how true love isn’t jealous, or reactive or selfish.
How true love is always patient. Always thoughtful. Never enmeshed.
And maybe this is true.

But you don’t find true love.
You make love truer with every moment of intention.
True love is something you build together. It’s about moving towards patience. Towards thoughtfulness. Untangling yourself from any enmeshment with gentleness and understanding. Asking your jealousy what it’s here to teach you. Seeing your selfishness as a protective mechanism and establishing enough security to allow it to rest. Softening into kindness and strengthening into courage. It’s a process. A practice. The ultimate passion project.

I don’t think a relationship is good because you find the right person. I think it gets good when you both care about it.

I am no perfect person. This is a shock to you all, I know. To my family in particular - I know it will take some time to process. Here for you.
Here’s what Jarrod has done with all the wild, irrational, unreasonable parts of me…listened to them.
He makes space for the insanity. He lets it all run its course. And then he reminds me of who I am beneath it all. He helps me make sense of my reactions and triggers. Of all the very un-cute behaviours I tend towards in the heat of a moment. It’s from this unconditional love that I transform the messier parts of my inner world. The place from which the old patterns can then fall away and new things can blossom.

Jarrod didn’t find the perfect person…
I didn’t find the perfect person…
We didn’t find true love.
We made love.
Ew, sorry. Not what I mean. (Technically true though…)

In order to build a love that is true, we turn our imperfect (sometimes insane) selves toward each other and we keep trying. We keep scooping out the water, patching the holes and adding flourishes of character wherever we can. We are constantly checking and readjusting the sails. We take all the scrap pieces, stitch them together and attach them to the mast. Occasionally, we remember to look to the horizon.

True love is something you participate in. It’s not something you stumble upon. True love is what happens when people keep moving towards each other with courage, care and candor. Sometimes awkwardly. With bumps and stumbles. With both a fierceness and a tenderness. We begin with what we have including all our imperfections, and we gradually become more of ourselves together.

You know when somebody discovers a partner’s infidelity and they lament, “I thought it was true love, but I was obviously wrong!”
No, friend. They can’t take away what you built. You get to keep your love that is true. You built something beautiful, and even though that dumbnut buggered up their part, you get to take your true love and safeguard it elsewhere now. And maybe one day someone new comes along and they want to help you keep building that beautiful love. And together you make it truer and truer. And every day is a new opportunity to build this beautiful thing with each other. And no one can take it away.
Because you built it.
With your tools and experience and knowledge, and the humility to keep refining. The true love is part of you now, because you didn’t find it…you made it. It’s not something that exists separate to you. It comes from within you. It’s made of heart and devotion. And every inch of growth you embraced (or endured).

I don’t think you’re ever going to find true love. And I think this is good news.

x
Lysette

---

Illustrations by Yvette Le Cerf from Moon Drunk Finds.

---