Pain thresholds
Some good news.
I really believed in this idea of pain thresholds all these years.
I really thought that if two people were being pinched with increasing pressure, the person who cried out first had a lower pain threshold.
But I’m starting to wonder if this is true.
Or if that person might in fact just have a higher pain tally.
How would we know how much pain they were experiencing prior to this event?
How would we know how far their tolerance had already been pushed?
Have you ever noticed that you can jam your finger in a door one day and say, “Oh bother.” And yet on another occasion, you burst into tears and curl up in a ball on the couch for an hour? Same level of injury. But depending on your current pain tally, it can be experienced very differently.
Same goes for emotional pain.
The greater the tally - the greater the experience of suffering, even with seemingly small events. What looks like a low pain tolerance or threshold, could actually be a high accumulation of pain. The proverbial straw breaking the proverbial back. Crying out - not from the stimulus, but from the compounding nature of heaviness and heartache over time, with little relief.
When you plan to birth naturally, you suddenly become hyper-aware of conversations around pain thresholds. You get a little nervous because you start to wonder if you do in fact have a low pain threshold and if you’ll end up begging for something to take the edge off. I think a much better discussion to have is how to keep pain tallies low for expecting Mothers. How to free up their inner resources from other stressors, for the important task of bringing a baby earth-side.
I have no idea if this phrase reaches beyond the shores of Australia, but you would often hear here, “They couldn’t hack it.”
Inherent in the phrase, is the idea that there is this universal measure of whether you mastered something or not. And if you didn’t, it’s due to a lack of endurance, stamina or emotional maturity. If you leave early, break down in tears, take a break or give up entirely, it’s because you didn’t have the tools or strength (or the character) to master the situation.
But maybe you did in fact have the tools. Maybe those tools were just being employed for other uses. A multitude of other uses, based on the current ecosystem of your inner landscape. Maybe it wasn’t just the event, injury, job or the trip you were managing… but also grief, sadness, stress, mental health challenges, physical pain, dread, fear of loss or even impending danger. Maybe in the pie chart of your capacity, the circle was already filled with the heaviest and thirstiest of burdens, and your inner resources were already wholly utilised.
And so I wonder how we can allow people to “fall short” without clocking the circumstantial defeat as a permanent character flaw. How we can foster a deeper understanding of pain accumulation, and what happens in a person when it all compounds to a point of heightened sensitivity, reactivity and collapse.
Whether from a lifetime of pain, neglect or heartache - or perhaps just a season, some are participating in this life with significant handicaps. And they’re usually invisible.
The idea that someone who has crumbled in a moment that someone else has conquered, has a lower pain threshold or is less capable, is an unhelpful oversimplification. There is a strong chance that one’s load is just much lighter. That their resources weren’t already being utilised elsewhere. That they had capacity when the other’s was full to overflowing.
Our tolerance for challenges shifts from year to year, or from day to day, as our pain tally increases and decreases.
It’s why some days we can hike to the mountain peak, and sometimes we can only make it to the first noticeable incline.
It’s why some days we can respond with calm to our family, and other days the smallest incident sends us into meltdown.
It’s why sometimes it takes a very long time to realise why we are struggling.
Why we feel so reactive. Why we feel incapable of pushing through hard things.
Because we look for one particular reason, and it might just be a combination of every complicated thing we are holding during this season. Or that we have carried unknowingly since childhood.
It might just be that your pain tally has reached a level that is affecting your ability to cope. Which is far more empowering than an innate pain threshold over which we have no control. Because whilst difficult, it can be managed. You don’t need to harden up. You need gentleness and safety. Rest and support. A break. Alone time. Cuddles.
Someone’s inability to cope isn’t a character flaw.
It’s a culmination of circumstances and taxing dynamics, and this is good news.
If this is you right now, you’re no weakling.
Your load is immense and you are exuding a strength we may never comprehend.
Know that things won’t always feel so heavy. That there are good good people out here who can help ease it all. Maybe with a little laughter. Maybe with well earnt emotional wisdom and practical support. Let yourself be held. Go gently.
Much love,
Lysette