Trajectories and Transgressions
Gender roles, work, rest and balance.
I make people mad.
I make people mad when Jarrod does laundry.
I make people mad when Jarrod cooks our meals.
I make people mad when Jarrod changes nappies.
It’s a real talent.
Such evil transgressions on my part.
Poor Jarrod.
It often makes me take stock of where we came from, and where we are going.
What different journeys are we on?
Jarrod’s childhood was pretty chill in the responsibilities department.
What I mean by that, is that he had none. He says that at some point he was expected to take the bins out, but he knew if he left it, his Dad would do it. He often opted for that option. There were no consequences. He was never expected to cook or clean or participate in the running of the home. He is also an enneagram nine with a tendency towards inaction, when operating at undesirable levels. And he was never academically inclined.
My childhood was a little exhausting if I’m honest with myself. I had a weekend job since I was 10, milking cows. At some points, I was milking cows before school started.. barely scrubbing the green tinge from my hands before picking up my pencil. Sometimes we milked at multiple farms and began at two or three am to fit them all in before sunrise. I was academically inclined and often stayed up late doing homework. I had many chores that at any given point included all the workings of a small farm, housekeeping duties, and ensuring my 4 younger siblings stayed at least partially alive. I had a dream for my future and spent much of my time working towards it. I am an enneagram one with very high expectations of myself.
I am not joking when I say I am still tired.
I was burnt out by age 23. Perhaps earlier without realising.
Jarrod does a lot around our house. Of course nobody would notice if it were a woman doing it all. But it is VERY obvious to the Delegation of Concerned Citizens for the Welfare of Men Who Wash Too Many Dishes (DOCCFTWOMWWTMD for short) just how much he contributes. Poor Jarrod.
The trajectory of Jarrod’s life has been to learn to participate in it.
Inscribed on his soul are the words, ‘Awake, O’ Sleeper. Arise from the Dead.’
His invitation is to be here. Hands deep in all the mess and magic. Tactile reminders that he is alive and a part of something bigger. The things he does to keep our house running are his external reminder to show up, participate and take responsibility. He finds deep satisfaction in his contribution, and I assure you - it is of his own volition.
The trajectory of my life has been to learn the art of regenerative rest and sustainable energy output. Of learning that hard work type contributions aren’t the only contributions (Or even the most important.) My invitation is to honour the contribution of my very being and presence. The internal stuff. To be heart deep in all the mess and the magic. To foster creativity, kindness, a nourishing atmosphere and meaningful depth, in myself and my family.
At a party late last year, I was discussing the concept of the Village in the context of parenting, with my dear friend Chloe.
“I feel bad,” I lamented. “I’m not a very helpful person. I don’t make food and drop it off, or do people’s laundry…”
Chloe is a relentlessly generous soul. She didn’t miss a beat before saying,
“Yes but you help in other ways. You hold space for people. You held space for me just before...”
I think my life was forever changed upon hearing these words. She was making a distinction between doing and being, and she was affirming the value of both.
There are many lessons in all of this for both of us. Lessons that we might never be able to put into words.
As I am going to sleep - Jarrod is waking up.
As I am honouring my internal gifts - Jarrod is awakening to his practical gifts.
As I am cultivating a home for our family - he is maintaining the house.
He is clearing the space of the old - and I am embellishing it with the new.
I am learning to de-escalate my nervous system. He is learning to shake his awake.
His invitation is responsibility. My invitation is sensitivity.
He is growing bolder. And I am growing softer.
Neither is better.
Neither is more valuable.
Both necessary journeys to balance.
I think we often think of balance as doing all the things at the same time.
But maybe balance is about shifting the weight to our other foot for a few years, or maybe 20.
I love this man.
And he loves me. (Despite my brain’s best efforts to convince me otherwise.)
And as much as it pains so many people to see poor Jarrod (can you hear my eyes rolling?) in an apron with dishcloth in hand - we’re going to continue on our merry way. He’s not complaining. I’m already snoring. All is good.
I’m wondering if maybe this kind of stock-take has been necessary for others too?
Have you found yourself resting after a long life of hustling?
Have you found yourself serving, when you have always previously been served?
Are you learning to speak up? Or are you learning to protect your words?
Are you learning to trust people? Or to hold your cards close?
Are you well versed in yin? Or do you tend towards hard core yang-ery?
Are you redefining success? Or abundance? Or contribution? Or value?
I’d love to hear about it. No, really. My arms are already in torpedo formation ready to dive into these conversations. Pretty bold for someone who can barely doggy paddle.
Feel free to comment or send a message!
x
Lysette