Fearleaders

In lieu of applause...

I have fearleaders.

They’re the people that make you question yourself and all of your parts.
I have a handful.
I’ve contemplated handing out badges. Or black pom poms.

I have an invisibility complex that I’ve carried since childhood. I used to hide in my wardrobe for hours, waiting to see if anyone would come looking.

My fearleaders have contributed to the forming of a pretty nasty inner critic of mine. They’re the real life voices that became the voice in my head.
They’re the people who are not the least bit impressed if you are smart or funny or successful. They’re the ones who in fact seem angry about it.

When I got to play a lead role in a feature film a few years back, this group of fearleaders were SILENT. No questions about filming or auditioning or who else was in it. No congratulations. Crickets.

They’re the people who it seems deliberately misunderstand you sometimes, just to get a snide remark in.
They never encourage or affirm.
They never enquire.
And they most certainly never applaud.

They confirm all my worst fears…that I am in fact, invisible.

They’re the ones who withhold love and affirmation. Who always happen to be off social media whenever you post something 😉

So why do we care about them?

Because sometimes they’re the people closest to us. The people often aware of our most painful vulnerabilities + insecurities.

They don’t just show up and start dancing when you mess up.
They disappear when you do well.
Nowhere to be seen or heard from when you win, or excel or glow.

The silence can be deafening.

I have spent so much time trying to work out why. That’s the fear part.
Have I done something wrong? Am I altogether wrong?
But a while back I started replacing my why with where to now.
It’s been infinitely more helpful.

I’ll continue to suss it all out, because I’m interested in the human condition. But no longer because I need their approval. (Though I’m sure this will fluctuate.)

In some of my deepest moments of sadness and frustration, I found my where to now…
In lieu of applause, there’s a resounding silence that happens to amplify the sound of my footsteps, as I take my place in my own corner.

‘I’m here,’ I let myself know.
It’s been a long time coming.
And I take steps towards letting the cheerleaders take up space in my mind too.